Out of Seven Billion, You Only Need a Few!

Don’t you hate that sometimes in this life we encounter people who misunderstand us? Perhaps they are family members, people in our community, friends or critics of various kinds. Since Second Wind came out, I’ve had emails from readers who tell me about unkindesses they’ve faced in their lives. Some have been judged to be lazy because they are overweight; some have been denigrated in abusive relationships for years before they found a way out; and still others have been through dark and difficult times (like the loss of a loved one) and have had to listen to well-meaning (but misunderstanding) people speak clichés to them which only increased the pain. These same readers have shared with me how running (or other forms of strenuous exercise) has provided a way to come face to face with the self in a fresh way and heal from the pressure to meet other people’s standards.

The thing is, there are voices everywhere telling us who to be---or who not to be. The media are typical culprits, pressuring men and women to behave (i.e., spend money) in a certain way, but there are other voices, too. Every family has expectations of its members, and in some families, if you decide those expectations don’t fit for you, there are high prices to pay in the form of judgment and pressure to re-conform. Even groups of friends (or church communities, work staffs, or volunteer groups) have implicit agreements about the roles each member gets to play. When you decide to step outside of the norm, other people get anxious. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ve either never stepped outside of the expectations others have for you or you’re the only person on the planet who is surrounded by perfectly understanding people who totally support whatever you do and never fail to understand where you’re coming from, and I’m happy for you.

The rest of us live in a world where some people on some days cannot see us, do not want to be curious about who we really are and wish we were more like them. I recently read a review of my book from a reader who hated it. S/he missed the point altogether and accused me of all kinds of things I don’t think are true of how I represented myself in the story. So, like you, the reader of this blog, I have to live with being misunderstood. And how will I do that? Just like you do. We get some time alone on the trails (or in meditation, yoga, hiking, the quiet of a church sanctuary). We remember the irrefutable fact that there are almost seven billion people on earth and some of them simply will not get us, like us or want to be around us. But out of all those seven billion souls there is likely to be a handful who thinks we’re cool. We run/walk/dance/ride to where those people live, get cheered up and then get back to our lives, living as authentically as we know how.

If you, like me, have had a negative voice intrude on your energy or trajectory this week, don’t let it take the wind from your sail. Take heart. You don’t need everyone to love you. You only need a few.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Just at this very moment, we have sunshine in Bellingham. Have I ever mentioned that sunshine is one of my very favorite things? I love what it does to me. Sunshine lifts my mood, gives me permission to smile and invites me to take my dogs for a walk. I have other favorite things that make me happy just because they exist.

But February has been a hard month for me. It started well enough - with a fabulous writing workshop that left me reveling in the glow of other creative types. Unfortunately, this was followed by a series of bad news phone messages about sudden illnesses befalling people that matter to me. The most recent difficult news was that my dear friend and confidante had her beautiful, healthy baby girl, but also had serious complications post delivery. Since my girlfriend is someone I can't do without, I was overwhelmed with concern for her and her whole family as they waited in ICU for her body to heal.

It wasn't until after I was sure she was on the mend that I crashed and gave in to a good long cry, holding my delayed grief and fear with as much compassion as I could muster in my tired state. That was last Saturday. Sunday I went out for a six mile run and spent more than an hour with my distracted thoughts, letting them come and go as they pleased.

Now, finally, on Thursday, I'm calmer and have caught up on all the things I didn't do around my house last week. I'm looking at the sunshine outside my window and reflecting on what gives me joy, even during the hard things.
Here's my short list:

Watching people meet their goals. Whether I'm watching a client finally take that first step to live out her lifelong creative dream to become a writer or watching a budding marathoner take on his training with a vengeance (as I'm doing in the case of my friend Brandon Nobach), I adore seeing people's faces when they start to move in their preferred direction.

Nonprofits that do good work. I could list a hundred non-profit organizations that make me happy, but two of my favorites are Street Youth Ministries and the Bellingham Sister City Association. One supports homeless and disenfranchised young people in getting off the streets of Seattle, and the other facilitates "people to people diplomacy" between Americans and individuals from other cultures around the world. Yay for good work. It reminds me that there is balance in this life.

Talking with people who hold different world views. Every time I travel, my taken-for-granted ideas about life and right and wrong are challenged. That's a good thing because it makes my own world feel bigger. When I can't travel, I read. Right now I'm reading Radical Acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach. Buddhism offers some interesting ways of approaching pain and longing. My mind is expanding as we speak....

Dogs. As is well documented (because I say it all the time), I love dogs. Mine both need baths at the moment, but as stinky as they are, I'm gonna let them curl up on my lap and give me some of their happy-just-to-be-with-you warm energy today.

Friends. I have the best friends in the world, of that I'm sure. My friends have cried with me through the darkest of times and shared good times of hilarity with me, too. Right now, I'm making new friends during my Monday and Wednesday workouts with Carol Frazey and her Fit School for Women. When women run together, they inevitably share their thoughts and dreams and griefs with one another. There's always room for a new friend, don't you think?

Love. Last but not least, I love being in love. Valentine's day was only ten days ago. Bill and I reconnected with each other nine years ago in February and we always celebrate getting reacquainted on Valentine's day. I am grateful and peaceful nowadays largely because I have him in my life. On a hard day, he's the best medicine.

So, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're feeling sad... what makes you happy again? What are your favorite things?

Reflections from 2009

It’s December already. I’m in Arizona for the holiday and enjoying the relative warmth. I love the feeling I have when I can see the sky. I feel the world is large and open rather than tiny and gray the way it feels at home during winter in the Northwest.

This last Sunday, Bill and I ran the Desert Classic 30K for the second consecutive year. We were both recovering from colds that made us stuffy and wheezy, but it was glorious to be in the dry desert, running beside the White Tank Mountains. I had three hours and thirty-five minutes out there to think and breathe. I used my time to reflect on this last year of running and traveling.

We started the year off in Japan with a marathon in Tateyama, followed it quickly with a trip to South Africa and then another to Brazil in June. On top of our inter-continental races, we ran a marathon in Kelowna, British Columbia in October. In between the marathons, we crammed in a number of other races of various lengths and planned, re-planned and planned again for our 2010 pilgrimage to the bottom of the planet. It’s no wonder I am a little tired, a little poorer than at the beginning of the year and a little worldly-wiser than when I started last January.

The journey to complete a race on every continent is almost over. I’ve got one more this coming year and then I get to put on the ring I bought to celebrate my victory. You’ve all followed me from the beginning through the sleepless nights, the bowel problems, the bleeding, the arguments with my beloved and the long, long hours moving toward each finish line. Thank you for coming along so far. And thank you in advance for sticking with me through 2010, as well. I’ve learned so much it would be impossible to summarize the lessons, but I feel inclined to jot a few of them down as I reflect on this past incredible year. They may sound simple, but they've meant a lot to me. Here they are.

1. Always run at your own pace. No one else’s pace will allow you to breathe properly, follow a thought all the way to its conclusion or get into a proper day-dreaming mode. Every time Bill and I violate this principle and try to race together, we both feel agitated and out of sync with ourselves and each other.

2. Believe in yourself when you stand at the starting line. It’s a long way to the finish line, so a good dose of faith gets you started on the right foot. There’s no point in negative self-talk or pessimism. If you have to spend more than five hours with yourself in a messy physical state, you may as well try to be good company.

3. Forgive quickly and often. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling internationally with my partner, it’s that almost nothing goes as planned – and this can produce a lot of anxiety. When people are anxious, they are not their best selves. These moments should not be allowed to define a relationship. When the person I love best acts like he would sooner shove me off the train than reach our destination together, it’s best to forgive the moment he apologizes rather than hold a grudge. I may need the same courtesy in ten minutes or less.

4. Embrace every moment in life wholeheartedly. In Brazil, a young runner from Mexico befriended me and waited for more than an hour after crossing the finish line to see me come through. I’ve learned to fall in love with people quickly and to let them go with an open heart. Every encounter, every intersection is sacred and precious and deserves my investment, even if it lasts a very short time.

5. And finally, keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know people who run the marathon in a little over two hours, but I’m on the course much longer than they are. I’ve learned that the finish will come, if you keep moving slowly forward. This applies to everything in life. Don’t quit on that argument you’re in the middle of or the paper you have to write. There’s a finish line somewhere out there. Of course, there’s always another starting line, too. Life doesn’t give us much rest, but it comes in cycles so we get a little breather now and again.

I hope you’ve had a wonderful year full of insight, sacred intersections and moments of celebration at the end of your races. Happy New Year and here’s to the races yet to come!